royalguards

When Oscar returned to Mansion Jarjayes again, she had already decided. She would go on leading the Royal Guards and be on her long lasting friend's queen Marie Antoinette's side in days when she needed her most. She couldn't avoid running into Fersen again. However, since her wounds had recovered, she was sure she could endure it. The weather and calmness of Normandy had suppressed the riots in her mind and heart. Oscar knew she couldn't escape from her responsibilities as well as she couldn't run away from her feelings.

Concerning Andre... Oscar still didn't know how to face him after that incidence. He had abused her trust and had torn years of friendship into little bits. But for all that Andre was a part of her as he had always been a part of her life. She had known him for such a long time to just forget and leave him. She could even understand him a little bit…

Oscar stretched her body. She hadn’t noticed it had gotten dark outside. The bright refulgence of the candles Nanny had enlightened for her, transformed the glass panes in the Library window into little mirrors and Oscar saw her own image, vague and formed out of dancing shadows.

Nanny cleared her throat to draw attention to herself.

NANNY   Lady Oscar, would you like to have some tea before going to bed?
OSCAR   No, thanks Nanny. I will go to bed soon.

After a while she recognized that Nanny was still standing in the door frame.

OSCAR   Now then? Do you want to say something?
NANNY   Well, yes. I don't know how to start... It's Andre. His behavior is very strange lately. I don't know what's wrong with him and I'm worried for him...

Andre. She couldn't avoid feeling guilty.

OSCAR   You distress yourself too much, Nanny. I'm sure it's less worth worrying about than you think. We aren't children anymore. I'm sure he's able to solve his problems on his own.

Oscar left an embarrassed Nanny and went to her room. She was anxious. On the way to the stairs she stopped and looked over to the servants' floors. 'We aren't children anymore.' Oscar felt as if she could cry. Why everything had to change? Why is time passing by so fast? Why were children growing older and why do we all have to suffer so much?

She went down to the unenlightened floor until she came to the door of his room. Why was she feeling so guilty? Was it because she hadn't realized Andre's love for her so many years? Or was it because she had anticipated it and just didn't want to see?

Oscar could hear something rustling inside while she was leaning easily against the door. Her hand was already on the handle, but she stopped back again and went up the stairs to her room to get some sleep.

Oscar paced down one of the big halls in Versailles. It had been extremely warm the last few days and the sun shone brightly through the big tall windows. Oscar enjoyed the warmth on her face. While it was so hot outside, inside it was quite cool. The gardens and places round Versailles were deserted, no one dared to walk outside the protective walls of the palace - they not only feared the burning sun.

Oscar seemed cold as ice. She was as unreachable as ever. Inside her was quite different. Oscar tried to hide it, but those, who were her friends, saw that something had changed. One of those friends was Marie Antoinette, but she didn’t say anything to her. She was still just happy that Oscar decided to stay in Royal Guards. She knew the worst thing that could happen to her was losing her friends. Many nobles had changed sides; they were supporting the common folks now instead of the royal family. For Marie Antoinette they were nothing else than traitors. She couldn’t understand what she had done wrong and why people hated her. What had she done to them? How could they doubt the god-given power of the king and queen? She was the queen of France!

In face of Marie Antoinette’s hatred towards the rebellious Third Estate and their supporters, Oscar knew the worst mistake they could do was to underestimate the people that were suffering for so long now.
Thanks to Fersen, Marie Antoinette had moved to Versailles palace again. She had reduced her personal expenses, contributed in political conferences and Mme. Polignac had lost her influence finally, but Oscar now was afraid it was already too late. Too late for what? she asked herself. She knew that something awful would happen.
The people at court, all the nobles of France who still refused to change their minds and cooperate, were still living their expensive life in excess and luxury, but inwardly everyone feared what was going to happen. A Revolution? Ridiculous!

Her thoughts kept Oscar such busy that she could forget her feelings and problems for a while and she was thankful for it in a way.

Marie Antoinette again was assisting at a conference and as usually Oscar took care of the children. The events had an influence on even their lives. The queen tried to hide the seriousness of the situation from her children, but they nevertheless noticed it. As if it wasn’t bad enough, Louis Joseph, the eldest son and future king of France, had a perilous spinal meningitis. His fever worsened from time to time. The six year old boy was forced to stay in bed. It was hard for him not being able to play with his siblings anymore.
Oscar now turned the corner to their rooms and could hear Louis Joseph’s cry, as usually.

LOUIS JOSEPH   Let me go, let me GO! I want to stand up. Where are my clothes? I’m not going to stay in bed forever…!

She entered the room. The maids tried to control him, but they already looked exhausted. When Louis Joseph recognized her, he calmed down a bit.

LOUIS JOSEPH   Oh, Oscar!
OSCAR   Good morning, your highness. It’s time for your history lesson.

Count Axel von Fersen was sitting in his bed, holding his head in his hands. His dreams were always circling around the same thing the last weeks. Again he could feel the coldness of the small room he was standing in….
‘Lord, Forgive me. Please forgive my sins. If... if my son's suffering is the punishment for my sins, I can promise here right now that I'll never see Fersen again. So please. Please forgive me!’
He could still hear her voice in his mind. He had been standing quietly behind her Majesty. She didn’t recognize him, but he could hear everything she said. It was the first time he could feel his heart break in pieces. Her family was more important for the queen, he had always known that, so why did it hurt so much to hear that now? Did she count him as the reason for her son’s disease? He was useless at court when he couldn’t help his love, when he was causing all her pain. His life was senseless now.

Andre hadn’t seen Oscar since that horrible night. He had tried to distract himself from thinking about it, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t force himself not to think about the woman he swore to give his life for, to do everything to protect her. How much he had failed! He feared most to see the accusation in her eyes when they met again, but he wanted at least to apologize. He didn’t adjudge himself though. At that moment he just wasn’t able to hide his feelings anymore as he had done it for so many years. Oscar should know that before she went out of his life…
Not seeing her clearly was painful enough, but it was a totally different pain from what he felt now. Before that he could at least feel her presence. Now he missed her glances, her voice, her warmth. How foolish he had been mourning about loosing his eyesight! Now he would give up everything and even loose his eyesight completely if only Oscar forgave him and came back.

Another thought often came to his mind, too, and it was choking him even more than anything else. Oscar hadn’t left Fersen.

There wasn’t much Louis Joseph was allowed to do. His disease becoming worse was a little one as long as he didn’t leave his bed. Every time Oscar visited him they were reading books together. Louis Joseph especially loved the old Greek myths, their heroes and heroines and their exciting adventures. This day he was reading out the story of Orpheus and Eurydice when Oscar noticed he had become exhausted again.

OSCAR   I think it’s enough for today, your Majesty. You should take a rest now.

The six year old boy leaned back and closed his eyes. He was thinking.

LOUIS JOSEPH   Oscar, why is it always causing so much tears when I speak of dying? I know mother doesn’t like to speak about that, it always makes her cry and I don’t want to see her cry. So please tell me; won’t we meet again some day after I’m dead? Will I ever see you again? What will happen with me when I die?

The things he said often let him seem such wise and intelligent. It was quite unusual for a six year old child to think about those philosophical questions, even when it was the thing he might fear most. How could such a little boy think about dying? Was it because he felt he didn’t have much time anymore? No, it couldn’t be! Oscar repressed the thoughts. He was a strong boy and she was sure he would do it! Why did she feel her eyes become wet though?

OSCAR   You know you shouldn’t think too much about that, your highness. You don’t need to be afraid, because I’m pretty sure you’re a strong boy and you’ll become well again. I trust in you.

LOUIS JOSEPH   It’s just… I can’t endure never seeing you again, Oscar.

Louis Joseph leaned forward to embrace her in a feathery, bear hug. Oscar was surprised first, and then put her arms around his fragile body. Why did she suddenly have to fight back tears? Was it because his words hurt so much? Or because it was the first time somebody ever embraced her this way? Just in this moment she realized how much she had set her heart on him. She loved Louis Joseph as if he was her own child and she wanted to do everything to see him happy.

It was the first time she wanted to feel how motherhood was. It wasn’t a clear thought yet and Oscar wasn’t even aware of the changes that happened in her mind, but she suddenly knew she didn’t want to live her life forever the way she had done before. She didn’t want to live alone anymore. She couldn’t exclude the thing she feared so much from her life completely. Every human being needed and longed for it the same as she did…

Louis Joseph suddenly began groaning in pain. His little fingers cramped and he was sweating. Oscar saw his face turning pale.

OSCAR   Louis Joseph! Your highness?

She laid him back on his bed carefully and turned around, trembling all over her body.

OSCAR   Make haste! Call a doctor, DO WHAT I SAID!

The maids rushed out of the room quickly. This little boy was going to die, she thought, and I can’t help him! I would fight against any enemy for you, but I can’t win this fight for you. I can’t help you!

LOUIS JOSEPH   Oscar! Oscar, don’t… Don’t call mother. I don’t want to make her cry. I… I don’t want to worry her. I hate to see her cry. Please, don’t call her…

Now Oscar couldn’t help it: tears were falling from her eyes. She took his wet warm hand in hers.

OSCAR   Louis Joseph, I know you’re strong. You have to fight against it, will you promise me?
The little boy nodded his head lightly.

No choice, follow the link:
The doors of fate...